I ran away. I ran away for two nights to a hotel that is also a spa that is also 2.5 hours south of where I live. I ran away mostly to sleep, and, ok, it wasn’t running away, because obviously I had talked to my husband about it. But I was exhausted from single parenting my wonderful (and extremely energetic (and often sick)) boys and dog for 4 weeks while my husband was working in the UK. Did I have the money to run away? No. No, I didn’t. Did I do it anyway? Why yes, yes I did.

As I drove the two and a half hours south, through snow and, later, on icy roads, I felt guilty. How freaking self-indulgent could I be? And then Karma came and concurred with me. I got to the hotel, went to use the bathroom and walked into the door frame. I heard a crack and then my nose began to bleed. Apart from the pain, which wasn’t that bad (nothing is as bad as pushing a baby out of your body!), I was chagrined. My nose was already reminiscent of Jennifer Grey’s before she got a nose job. It really didn’t need any more “character” added to it.

I didn’t bring any Advil with me, because why would I have that kind of foresight? Instead I went down to the front desk and asked for Ipren (ibuprofen). The concierge told me brusquely that they don’t give medicine out to guests and I felt like maybe she could have been a bit more sympathetic to my plight? Perhaps it was because I told her I twisted my ankle. That seemed less embarrassing than admitting I had run into a doorway. Although, judging from my swollen and bleeding nose, I was fooling no one.

I succeeded in getting an ice pack and faux-limped back upstairs to my room. Shortly thereafter I came down again to go to the restaurant for dinner. I realized halfway past reception that I had forgotten to limp, but whatever. I’m a bad liar, and was exhausted, and the jig was clearly up.

I sat down to some fish that was raw. Only it wasn’t supposed to be raw. So, being a true Minnesotan, I ate the greens and the potatoes and said nothing about the raw white fish.

I was feeling pretty low at this point. All the signs were pointing at me to leave. It was as if Fate was shaking its taloned middle finger at me and saying, “You self-indulgent rat! You can spend all the money you don’t have to try to relax, but I will make your life hell!”

And then I tried to go to bed. But my neighbors were really loud. I finally managed to fall asleep out of pure exhaustion only to be awoken an hour later by the same noisy neighbors. I decided it was time to be that customer and ask for another room.

I called the front desk and a different woman answered. She was able to get me a new room, and even gave me some of her personal stash of Ipren. What a gal. The room smelled a bit like BO with a slight whiff of perfume trying faintly to veil it, but I didn’t mind. It was quiet. And I finally slept for the first time in about a month.

Day two seemed promising. I had a lovely breakfast and a walk among the grounds which are beautiful. I will extol their virtues below. After my walk I got a massage which was amazing. Does anyone else feel like they’re going to cry when they get a massage? I think it’s something like you’re getting cared for and someone is seeing to your needs and cares about your comfort. It’s kind of like being a child again, when your mom would give you a back rub and tuck you into your comfy bed at night…or is that just me?

Anyway. How many times can I embarrass myself in one post?

After the massage, my masseuse brought me an amazing Earl Grey tea and a bite-sized cake and I read. I read a book. Like an actual book. It was the epitome of luxury. When I started to feel like I might snooze in my chair, I wandered to the spa to check out the many thermal pools and the Thalasso spa (a heated salt water pool that even I (dense as I am) can float in).

Finally I wandered back to my room for a shower and change before going back to the restaurant. This time, I enjoyed fully-cooked fish. Maybe, my karma was changing.

I went to bed that night in a quiet room, about to fall into blissful sleep when my husband called. “Arthur just threw up.”

Having solo-parented through three different illnesses cycling through all our boys for the last two weeks, I was confident in leaving my husband with three healthy kids for the two nights. There was no way they could get sick again already! But Fate, that hussy, looked at me and laughed. I offered to come home. My husband just told me to keep my phone on. If it got worse, he’d call, otherwise he’d just see me tomorrow. Thankfully it ended up being a one-time event, and after too long fretting that I wasn’t there to be with my sick child, I finally fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning, called my husband to assess that everyone was still healthy and alive, and then assessed myself. I couldn’t move my neck.

I have this thing called degenerative disc disease where a few of the vertebrae in my neck are kind of eroding a bit. So if my neck is even so much as looked at it can seize up immediately. It would appear that my masseuse had been a bit too vigorous in her work around my neck.

Freaking Karma! Freaking Fate! I ate breakfast, checked out, and drove the two and a half hours back. The drive did nothing to improve the condition of my neck, although the pain of it did distract from my still tender nose.

I still deem this adventure a success: I enjoyed one of the days after all. And I got sleep, which was the main purpose of said trip. I did come back a bit more injured than I left, but also better rested, and I’d take that trade any day.

Below is my poor attempt at imitating Rick Steves:

Restaurant

Perhaps the chef was having a bad night on Friday, but the food was…well…raw. Unintentionally so. I believe there was a different chef the second night and the food was very good. That said, the menu was limited, and to the foreigner, it is good to note that the cuisine was very Danish. Meat or fish, potatoes, beets, carrots. While there wasn’t much variation in the offerings, it was also clear that they were using seasonal and local ingredients. 6/10

Spa

The spa was incredible. There were seven different thermal baths including an ice bath, a fire bath, an aroma therapy bath, a salt water pool, and a few other fancy ones that seemed like something celebrities would be familiar with. There were also saunas, steam rooms, sensory showers, and a saunagus which I don’t really understand but seems to be a big thing here. My masseuse was incredible and the facilities were beautiful and clean. 10/10

Hospitality

The spa, restaurant, and custodial staff were incredibly helpful and friendly. They made me feel like I belonged and wasn’t a bother. Conversely, all except one receptionist was brusque, short, and acted almost like I was inconveniencing them whenever I spoke. Maybe they were just understaffed and stressed? 8/10

Accommodation

The bedroom itself was fine. It was nothing remarkable. The bed was so-so, the door frame was decidedly below average as evidenced by the nose-shaped dent I’d made in it. However, the view was spectacular. 9/10 (for the view alone)

Location

The location was nothing short of sublime. The hotel itself looks like Pemberly and is set on top of a hill over looking Vejlefjord. When I was there, a fresh snow had just fallen and the whole thing looked like a set from a Hallmark movie, only less sickening. My favorite part of the weekend was wandering down the hill and through the woods to the fjord. There was a dock there for people who wanted to bathe in the fjord, but no one was there now. I sat on the dock and listened to the lapping of the water against the shore and imagined I was at my grandparents’ cabin in Wisconsin. Miraculously the sun was out…it was the weak sun of late November, but still, sun in Denmark in the winter is rare so I’ll take what I can get. Honestly the rest of the trip could have been crap (and some of it was) and this would have made up for it all. 11/10