There’s this thing where women in flowing dresses like to boast, I mean, show off, I mean brag about, I mean inspire others by showing them how beautiful their rustic farmhouse/suburban home made to look like a rustic farmhouse is. And I thought, I could do that. So here we go: (fyi, I just took 2 mg of melatonin so if this post randomly stops mid-sentence, that’s why.)

Welcome to my Rustic Farmhouse built in 1904. We will start in my bedroom.

Here I mixed colors and textures to make a bold statement that says, “I am copying someone else’s aesthetic from Pinterest.” And yes, my baby sleeps in his barnevogn that is resting on two chairs. I know, I know. It kills the look. But Moses baskets are so expensive.

Moving on to the play area:

Ugh! Silly me. I forgot to mention the full name of my aesthetic. Must be that melatonin taking effect. It’s not Rustic Farmhouse, but rather Rustic Farmhouse Clusterfrock. I can tell you how to get this aesthetic for your home, but unfortunately for you, this is achievable only if you have children who are privileged enough to have a million toy cars, books, and legos. If you’re on a tight budget, you can find legos at thrift stores like we do. Sometimes other parents are even keen on giving you theirs. I don’t know why. (In our family, 95% of our belongings are thrifted, gifted, or IKEA (when we’re feeling fancy.)) Once you have said toys neatly organized in bins, immediately turn them over onto the floor in a heap. Bonus points if you kick or throw some to all corners of the house. Pro Tip: the toys must be as colorful as possible…when the scene before you assaults your eyes, you’re on the right track.

And on to the dining area:

For that Rustic Farmhouse Clusterfrock feel, you’re going to want to splurge on some original artwork. Again, pick art that is so saturated with bright colors that it induces a migraine. Adhere these works of art to the wall using masking tape for that rustic feel and create a beautiful gallery wall. It is sure to be a conversation starter when hosting a dinner party.

Finally, the sitting area:

What you’re going to notice here are stark white walls that are bare because you are too busy to decorate them. Why are you too busy? Because you’re rustic and busy churning some butter from the cream you got from your cow, Frederika who lives in the backyard. It’s ok though. For the Rustic Farmhouse Clusterfrock aesthetic, you should decorate with baskets of clean laundry, such as you see in this picture. It is important to remember that this is a statement piece, and thus, the laundry must never be folded and put away. A plastic bin of dinosaurs on the other chair sets the tone of cozy formality for guests. It says, “You are welcome in my charming home, but you may not sit down because the chairs are in use.” You can see that I have painstakingly placed odds and ends under the chairs for that lived-in look, and used a bright blue mat (reminiscent of the ones in elementary school PE that smelled like feet), to contrast the more traditional oriental rug knock-off and thrifted poop-brown couch. Pro-Tip: Add a baby and wear an apron for that “I’ve gotta preserve some food for Winter” look.

There you have it. I’m curious to hear what your aesthetic is and if it is as perfect as mine.