GARDENER

I could be a gardener, a Mary Lennox if you will (Dickon was my first ever crush after all), pruning and digging and harvesting with the best of them. Except for the bugs. Specifically the giant slugs and snails that enjoy a good orgy around my garden. I have tried. I will continue to try. But pulling gummy-textured carrots out of the garden bed only to reveal gastropoda reproductus does not seem worth it to me.

ROMANCE NOVELIST

Perhaps I’d be ok at contemporary fiction…or perhaps I’d try to outdo Hallmark on the cheesy-ness factor. But Historical Romance I simply could not. I suppose I’m too much of a realist. Even when I’m walking around the local Viking burial ground of Lindholm Høje, my practicality takes over any sense of romanticism. I believe the sexy passages of my historical romance novel would go something like this:

“Oh my goodness! You’re an actual viking! Where did you come from?”

“It is you who are in my time, brazen woman!”

I stared at the brawny man who held me captive. He was strong and wiry with a manly beard. I glanced down at the hands that held me so firmly…was that…dried blood…under his fingernails? But never mind that. This man. This manly man had me captive and I abhorred him. The nerve! And yet…he was intoxicating.

“You will do as I say!” the Viking growled, and I soon realized that the dizziness I felt was from his breath…an odor of stale meat and rotting teeth.

I looked up into his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes that were only marred by the yellowness around them. Scurvy surely. Yet the intensity of them. The way he glowered at me. I was held captive to his intense wanting.

“I will bed you tonight,” the Viking growled. My stomach flipped. This man would never have me! Not least of which because I was sure he had all the STIs…at least all that existed at that time.

…and yet, I was entranced.

Yeah, that won’t work. If anyone has ideas for employment for me, where I can also take care of three young boys, please let me know. Until then, pray that I don’t get slowly masticated by the gastropod army.