or FATE BITES ME IN THE ASS

Oh Fate, you hysterical hussy! What a twisted sense of humor you have!

Not even a day had passed since my tangential ravings on how boring life is when Fate decided to say, rather savagely I might add, “Oh…your life is boring, is it? Allow me to intervene thou knotty-pated simpleton!”

And then fate sent us an email under the guise of my husband’s work saying, “Hey! We’re going on strike! Here is absolutely no info on if you’ll get paid or not, and absolutely no details of how long it will last. Cool. HAPPY EASTER!”

So that was fun.

My husband’s job is our sole income. I am at home with the baby until he’s old enough for vuggestue (nursery). So in my panic, I have once again decided to brainstorm some alternative jobs that might bring me an income.

Here are my offerings, in no order of importance:

1. ANXIETY SPONGE – I usually don’t like to brag about my talents, but desperate times and all that. I am an inordinately good worrier. Seriously, a top notch fretter. A professional panic-er, if you will. In exchange for money, I will sponge up all your anxieties and do your worrying for you. While I am taking on your emotional stress and going into hyper fix-it mode, you can relax with a glass of tea and a good book.

2. PROFESSIONAL DIAPER CHANGER – With over twenty years of experience (when did I get so old?), I am a whiz at changing diapers/nappies/bleer/whatever you want to call it. I have competed in the Olympics in the tantruming toddler category and won the bronze medal. I am also able to change anyone’s diaper that might medically need it, regardless of age. However, if you try to hire me because you have a diaper kink thing, I’ll have to pass. No judgement – it’s just not my jam.

3. EXECUTIVE CUDDLER – Ok, this is an actual thing. At least according to The Daily Show (and then my subsequent rabbit-hole research sesh). If you are lonely and sad and need cuddles, I can do that. Although so can a dog, and they’re probably better at it. Except I have better breath and won’t sniff you in inappropriate places. Regardless, if you pay me a lot of money, I will cuddle with you and try not to feel weird about it. Don’t try to get fresh with this grey-haired, wrinkled, sweaty, postpartum babe though. You’ll swiftly get a knee to your nuggets (I’m assuming no women would get fresh nonconsensually), and thrown out the door by my considerable strength.

If you’d like to hire me for any of the following, I’d sure appreciate it. My fee is unattainable, but I see these influencer people giving codes, so I guess that’s the way to do it. If you use my code thisisreal, you’ll get 5% off what is still a lot of money. You’re welcome. And GOD PÅSKE!