I could talk about learning Danish and the struggle to get a job in Denmark as an expat, combined with not getting paid maternity leave as I don’t have said contracted job…but, that is another post.

Instead I’ll just say that I’ve been brainstorming some alternative ways to make money, like, for example, as a Brontë Consultant. This is a very specialized field in which I charge people to ask me Brontë-related questions. Obviously this will be a lucrative endeavour and I can provide a resumé of Brontë-related research I have studied.

Another job idea I’ve had is as a pregnancy model. While my third child was born four months ago, and I have no plans to have more babies, I still resemble a woman in roughly her fifth to sixth month of pregnancy. Minus the glow. Plus the hair loss. And by the looks of it, this mum tum is going nowhere fast. Mostly because I am too tired to care. So hire me for your catalogues (are catalogues even a thing anymore?) I can look lovingly and maternally at a baby actor. Just give me a heads up so I can cake 8 layers of concealer under my eyes.

Finally, I have thought about advertising as a professional thrower-awayer. My trick? Not asking people before I throw their shit away. Want your clutter gone? Let me at it and I will toss or donate your stuff without any input from you. You will come home to the most minimal of minimalist homes. You’re welcome. You owe me $500,000.

If you have any other ideas, please let me know. In the meantime I’ll be working on my Danish to try to score a real job. Repeat after me: “Jeg hedder Lauren,” (said in the most annoyingly American accent.)